Friday, 11 September 2015

Living in the moment

How do you deal with a life change…from being fully charge of your life physically and mentally to seeking help to brush your own teeth?

Honestly…you just do!

People who know me from work or from anywhere before in life, have a recurring conversation “You haven’t changed a bit” “You are still crazy” “You still have a big smile” – well I haven’t changed internally, externally yes! I believe I am the new improved Shalini V 2.0.

I went through various phases to get to where I am today. To look at the mirror and not find anything amiss, other than the question most women ask “Does this dress make me look fat?”

Having said that, it's not all blue sky and yellow tulips - I do have bad days, but they are fewer and far between.

The first three months were easy, because I believed I would be back on my feet and life would go back how it was.....until the gangrene set.

Before my brain and heart accepted it, my nose smelt the rot!

It was probably the worst thing to wake up and  go to sleep to – the smell of rotting flesh and disturbing signs of what is to come. We were at that point working with a doctor on an alternative treatment to see if we could regress the condition.

I hated everyone, and I just shut the entire world to my life. I asked for no visitors, no friends, no family – I did not want to believe in my fate, neither did I want people to see me in this state!

I had numerous conversations with myself, went through my entire life with a fine comb looking for something that would explain this. Obviously it's bad karma – I must have done something bad to deserve this. The only thing I could come up with a few nasty conversation(I am known for my acidic tongue at times), a few lies, nothing that would explain the quantum of my suffering both physical and mental.

I for a period in time used to go to the hospital to have parts of my flesh removed by doctor. It was painful, I bawled like a child, the nurses and people around me shed a tear probably for my fate! It was agony to say the least...on the bright side I got to eat the best bhel puri ever outside the very same hospital!

Then of course Ayurveda happened, a leash of new hope and injecting a whole lot of optimism. The gangrene went and things were looking good. The crazy concoctions though left a bitter taste, filled my soul with hope.

In between this, a setback. I managed to break a bone in my left hand(amazing right!). We found a brave doctor who said he would try fixing it. Being rolled into the OT, while I was prepared for the worst, I still believed I would be fine. Post surgery all I could see was a massive dressing on my left arm, I kept trying to see if it was the full hand or half of it. I beckoned a nurse and asked her, she looked extremely uncomfortable. She faltered, cleared her throat, looked around and in a quiet voice said “It's amputated” and walked away.

Everyone visited at the hospital, my room were filled with people ‘trying’ to accept what happened, unshed tears, nervous laughter, everyone being brave for me and themselves and more than anything else not sure how to deal with me or the uncertainty of life itself. I think all of us lead our lives reading the paper, watching news, on the internet read stories like this, but we believe ‘it would never happen to one of us’ – well reality arrived in our lives.

Six months later my right hand auto amputated. For those of you who have not heard of this before, it literally is the body shedding a part it no longer needs. In my case it fell into my brother in law's hand. A look of disbelief passed through the room, my mom the only witness. While we did not know what do with situation, I knew this was a sign – a sign to move on.

We took the decision to go ahead with amputating the legs the next month. I was relieved - I knew I could only move forward now and there is no stopping me.

I arrived at the hospital with the brightest purple nail polish on my feet. If my legs were going out, they were going to go out in style!

How did I go through all this – I honestly don’t know.

I lived each day at a time, made small achievable goals for myself, read every book I could lay my hands on and like my life depended on it, learnt classical music, looked forward to friends visiting – more than anything else hoped and believed that tomorrow will better…I knew tomorrow will beautiful because when you hit rock bottom, the only way for you is upwards!

So walk in the rain, stick your tongue out and catch the raindrops, hold hands, feel the grass under your feet, smile at strangers, admire good looking men/women, fall in love, call someone you have been meaning to, give big tight hugs, kiss a boy or girl(if that's your thing), flirt, dance till you drop, wear your red lipstick, join that class you have always wanted to, buy the shoes you want, write a book, sing aloud, learn to play an instrument, bungee jump, sky dive, travel to Antarctica for all I care – LIVE TODAY AND LIVE IN THE MOMENT - you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow!


  1. I lay my respect down to u!!!! A bigggg hug for being so brave and not letting go of hope!!!! Life is as fragile as it can get... Thank u for sharing these phases of life with us!!!!!!!

  2. Hi there :)
    My name Chaitanya Mukund and I also a Specially abled person like u. I am very much impressed by the way u handled each and every situation. In my opinion the biggest advantage of being a specially abled is that u actually pose some 'Special Powers'inside u.The power of Will,the power of being persistent,the power to face each challenge of life with a smile, the power to stay happy and and full of life even in the worst conditions.I am also blogger like u, and like u, I too have depicted my experiences of life as a special Child. You can read my blog at :

    memoirs of a special child

  3. Truly an Inspiration.
    Tough times never last, tough people do. You proved it.
    Read about your participation in TCS Marathon.. all the very best..

  4. "Life is too short to live in worries", No one in this world can control the future. A big Hug to you my dear friend!. This is for you ""

  5. Hi, you are really brave!!! the way you handled such a tough situation in life is truly commendable and inspirational. All the best for TCS run, and a BIG THANKS for sharing your story....feel really positive about life !!!

  6. I just wanna say ILove You girl. Hey i m not making u realize about ur hardships, courage n all coz u r not specially abled, u r a truly abled, dts d true meaning of why God has sent us to earth. U writes amzingly attractive. Write a book of ur own( writing doesnt mean to write with a pen at all as u hv completely change d meaning of use of our limbs). M waiting to read ur book soon :) u r God's most loving child :). Ds is Tanvi here.

  7. You, mam, are a true inspiration to thousandsee of peole around your. The way you showed so much spirit and grit amidst such adversity is truly remarkable. May you inspire more people forever!

  8. Wish you the best for the TCS run. And hats off to your spirit

  9. Amazed by your courage and attitude towards life. Read about your maraton
    Participation. Good luck and I m sure you will do well with this spirit

  10. Your never give up attitude has infinite salute from my side.

  11. hey babe!!!!! you know i dont care about ur physical things!!! everyone is different...things keep on changing..challenges keep on im not philosopher to give on and on ...what i want to tell you is ..I LOVE YOU SO MUCH..ur brain i mean...look how beautifully u narrated.. guess what it gave a birth to a writer.. i loved the way u u go a tight hug( hope u r able to breath :P) and a kiss on your forehead( bcoz now your head contains lots of stuff which are yet to take birth)...keep going babe...with loads of love

  12. Shalini, you are an amazingly brave women. Came across this blog accidentally, but like they say there are no accidents. Within minutes of reading your blog i feel like am seeing life differently. Its one thing to preach optimism and another to live through an experience like this and keep your spirits high. I want to wish you a lifetime of awesomeness for you deserve nothing less !!